I hate this.
I wish I could just reach out and stop time, rewind it, and replay this last year.
Time just flies by way too fast... I've really only started to get close to Molly this year, but already I feel like I've known her for forever, and honestly I dread going to school tomorrow without seeing her there in the mornings. What will make me happy if she's not around.. =/ Yes, I know I'm happy everyday, but that's only a temporary state. Having Molly there has instilled a joy into my heart that I'm not sure will stay without her to recharge it every morning.
Anyways I'm trying to achieve catharsis (haha, SAT word!) right now and get this SALKFJASDKJFALSJ all out of me so I don't have to suffer slowly the next couple of weeks and so I can get on with life. So I'm sorry if I'm being excessively sentimental - bear with me, will you? =)
The thing I'm most scared of right now is that even though we've promised to write each other, I can't help fearing that she will find better friends there in Ohio and slowly forget about me.. it's happened to me many times before where a tearful goodbye and promises to keep in touch inevitably disintegrate - those are friendships formed after a week or two, so I'm hoping that the bond Molly and I have now will last longer than that. I think that I've had enough friends to known a good one when I see one, and Molly is the best. Even if we don't keep in touch that regularly, I will try to do my part, and that's all I can do.
This is the first real test that I face which deals with my inability to maintain a strong friendship.. The thing that I am REALLY good at is building friendships! Hell, if I take a shine to you, I'll try to become the best friend you've got - and I'll stay that way for anywhere from half a year to a year or so.
Eventually though, these stories all end the same way. I find someone else I take a shine to, and I work on building that friendship to the extent where I stop working on my other friendships. Sure, we're still close - me and those other friends - but perhaps not as close as before. That familiarity that comes from working at that friendship will remain there, though. It's just.. I lose touch with the ins and outs of their lives, and no longer have deeper things to say to them. They're good friendships, just not so deep.
Every friendships that I've had has progressed through these stages - since Molly is leaving, I'll never know if I would have eventually found someone else to talk to and grown apart from her. I like to think that I would not have, however. In all honesty, she is the only person I have truly felt myself around, felt free to say whatever I wanted, however I wanted, without fear of her judging me or thinking worse of me in any way. I can be as openly sentimental as I want or as bitterly sarcastic, weep and rage, or just sit there with her without anything to say. She's the first person who has thanked me for sharing the Gospel with them (something that brings me incredible joy) She's just.. an amazing person who it has been my extreme honor to call one of my closest friends.
When she took me home today after visiting Cerritos Elementary, we hugged in front of my house (yes, I made her get out of the car, heh). I was hoping not to cry today 'cause she's leaving and all, but as I pulled away I just started to tear up.. so I turned away really fast and went to my garage, hoping she didn't see, hoping that she would just remember me as someone happy so she wouldn't have to leave with an image of me crying.
Then I went inside my room and cried for a couple minutes before my dad came in and asked me if I wanted to eat cantaloupe -____-
And here I am now, crying/tearing up again.
I'll be counting the days until she returns =)
goodbye my love! mo chuisle..
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