so this last week, it's been pretty hectic.
just finished winter break
and the drama is starting up all over again.

here's what's happening (since no one reads this anyways, I might as well just lay down all the names and stuff...)
and you don't have to read all of this
it's mostly for me, to get all of my thoughts organized and out of the way.

so blaah monday/tuesday it's pretty normal.
wednesday is where everything starts changing. so me and kels, we have barry homeroom together right? usually when class ends
the person who finishes packing up first waits for the other.
then we hit up my locker, then walk to her locker. it's routine. we've done this everyday for the school year so far. but that day she doesn't wait! I don't think anything of it. maybe she was in a rush or something.
but that whole day she was kind of out of it.
so come night, I'm at home, she's online and I say hey there! you alright? you seemed kind of out of it today.
no response. oh well. she does that to me.

thursday is when ignoring starts. as in, okay it's unavoidable for me and you to cross paths but I'm just not going to talk to you. so even though we have spanish and basketball and so many mutual friends she just doesn't talk to me! okay kels. that's real nice.
but, I figure, maybe she's just annoyed at me for whatever. one day thing. let it go.
I'll just back off for the time being and give her space.
I do resolve a friendship that day though (:
practice was especially bad cause I kept failing so I ran a country afterwards (and when I was finishing, heading back towards the girls' locker room, I ran right past her and she didn't say anything! well neither did I, but that's beside the point.)
so anyways. I'm heading to my locker, and I bump into ellie! strike up a conversation
we get to talking
and I apologize to her
thoughts are exchanged
and I think our friendship is all good now. (after 2 years of inactivity.. it started deteriorating faculty follies '07, didn't talk to her 08-09)

friday! still the silent treatment from kels.
I don't think she entirely hates me though... I volunteered to do an on the spot rendition of beauty and the beast in spanish, and messed up horribly. she laughed along with the rest of the class.
so I get to talking with jessliu while her and annie head off to spanish ec.
talk about jesus club, then I tell her about my kelsey situation.
she tells me that she'd talked to kels about how she felt kels was stealing her friends
and tells me about how she felt about me
when I left her for kelsey as well, even when she had warned me beforehand that this might happen
and I'd responded by saying hell no! I'd never leave you for this person. but I did
and you know what makes me feel like a douchebag is the fact that I caught myself drifting from jess
I remembered that she'd specifically told me about kelsey the thief
but I went along and hung out with annie and kels anyways, leaving jess behind.
well. I apologize. she tells me she forgives me.
and we're good, I think.

but kelsey and me. eh,
I'm just too cowardly to talk to her about what I feel right now.
what do I feel?
I feel hurt, upset, mad. but mostly hurt
because she's not even telling me what's up so that I can change that aspect of myself
which is pretty much saying, dude I don't want to be friends with you anymore at all cause I don't like this about you but I'm not gonna make an effort to repair it but telling you the problem.

I had opportunities on friday, and today before our game got cancelled
but I didn't seize them.
I did, however, facebook-chat her saying that we needed to talk sometime but I wanted to do it in person.

anyways that's my situation for now
I hope it gets better.

when I play piano, it's easy to tell how I'm feeling from an outside perspective.
your soul can't lie through the music.