邵婷煒

It's been awhile since I posted in this... heh.  Much has happened since May!  Graduation, Taiwan missions, the Olympics.  (currently watching recorded US vs Korea women's vball semifinal match)  Though each of these events contain many stories each deserving to be told in itself, the one that I want to tell right now is of friendship.

I have to admit after graduation I was feeling just a bit down.  A lot of my friends were leaving, and seeing as my closest ones are all in the class of 2012, I really didn't know what to make of the coming year.  Sure I have friends in my own grade, and I love them lots, but... they're not the kinds of friends who ask me how I'm doing, or listen to my problems, or even invite me to birthday parties (though I have to admit that most of them don't have birthday parties to begin with haha)  Growing up I have always made friends with those older than me, and as a result, never really put in the time or effort to truly develop relationships with those my own age.  When we were younger it didn't matter, but in recent years the experiences that we shared grew fewer and fewer, and consequently it became harder to relate to each other.

And then I made a friend.

When I went to Taiwan missions, I thought I would be too busy to build any lasting friendships.  I know we'd be working most of the time, and within our own group, so I thought I wouldn't have the chance to meet any new people, to say even less of people that I could actually befriend.  But this year we ended up staying at a local church, and as a result, were able to work day and night with the people there, and ended up forming deep relationships.

Okay basically to cut the long story short I finally made myself a best friend heh.  Haven't had one since Nicole and our elementary days, and I don't really count that cause we were just kids.  But I met this girl (who's my age, finally) and we just really clicked.  She's the kind of person who's super shy (as in sits in the corner and gives one word answers to direct questions) but once you get to know her, she opens up.  One of the sisters at the church told me that even though she's been going to the church for 2 years now, I'm only the third person she's opened up to - the first being her music teacher who brought her to the church, and the second being the sister who told me this.  I'm the first of her peers ^^  And we were already good friends at that point, but that just made me determined to hold onto her even more.

I just feel so blessed that I finally have someone who cares about me as much as I do about them... always reaching out, never taking in, it gets tiring after a while.  I love how she asks me how I'm doing (and really wants to know the answer), how hearts and smiles and laughter fill our conversations, how we give and take advice readily as needed.  I like feeling needed, feeling special.  She makes me feel that way.  We share our lives, our dreams, our problems - nothing is too trivial or too serious.  Now I really get what Carly Rae Jepsen was saying in her song, "Before you came into my life I missed you so bad" - my friend has filled that hole that I didn't know that I had, and now that it's full, I finally feel complete. And I know that there are people out there who may be smarter, kinder, more talented, but I wouldn't trade any of them for my friend, cause she's one of a kind.

Time, distance, language - none of these are true barriers.  The only barrier is a closed heart.

Diction

On Friday, Ms. Hall told the class that "Emily has good diction. Creeeeepy good diction. She always finds the right word like *mwa*"

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE.  Finally accomplished my goal of getting her to brag about me like she does about Saatchi/Sofia/Shannon. =)  She also said that my style is distinctly different from theirs in that I don't mince words but get straight to the point! Very blunt/straightforward, that I know what I want to say and I say it and I'm done. Which is how I approach the rest of my life, actually haha.

Recognized by Ms. Hall as a good writer! YES.

Someone Like You

Though our genetic sequences are all but identical, a minor percentage (I think less than 1) of our DNA makes us completely different people. We look different, act different; hell, we even talk different(ly). As such, it makes for an entirely surreal experience when one meets someone exceedingly similar to oneself. You know in your heart that there is no way the two of you could be completely alike (and upon closer examination, you find that indeed, you are not) but there is no denying the fact that the two of you are still decidedly similar people at heart.

Alright I'm going to stop talking in the abstract now – it's way too time-consuming. So anyways, ever since middle school, when my elementary friends and I went our separate ways, my friends have been telling me about this one girl that they met who is supposedly JUST like me. Of course, I refused to believe all such tales and continued to cling to the belief that I was truly one-of-a-kind. Four years later, I finally meet this girl at the Distinguished Young Woman of Cerritos-Artesia (supposedly scholastic) pageant. She won the entire thing, congratulations! As the pageant progressed, I was arrested at the sight of someone who didn't really look like me so to speak, but rather felt like me. It's an experience that cannot fully be expressed in words. And I can't decide whether I feel this way because so many people have told me that we are similar, or because we truly are similar.

I have to admit, I did a bit of stalking (the internet makes it altogether too easy these days). I do not intend to be creepy in any way!! I just really needed to satisfy my curiosity... Upon further investigation, I found that we share a similar background - we are both the youngest child and daughter of Taiwanese immigrants, Christian, quite intelligent, and very good at the piano. Her activities focus on soccer and MUN, whereas mine are centered on basketball and band, though neither of us currently play our respective sports. We share the same sense of humor (I found myself chuckling aloud as I read some of her posts) and we both write in a fairly straightforward manner, though hers is far more eloquent and descriptive than mine. I feel that blogs should be informal things, and so usually write as I would in an instant messaging conversation with a friend. And though I have heard several not-so-nice things about this girl, I find myself liking her more and more as I learn more about her for myself. In another life, we could have been great friends.

We are still quite different from what I can tell, don't get me wrong. My friends tell me me she is quite crazy/hyper, whereas I tend to be very laid-back and relaxed in general. ...that's really the only major difference that I can think of for now, but then again I don't really know her because the only conversation I had with her was only for a couple of minutes. But I really do hope that I can get to know her well sometime in the future =)

Great Teachers

Background for today's story:

I made a bet with my good friend Pauline that if she could guess who I was thinking about asking to Sadies, then I would ask. But my brother came over so together they figured it out... Anyways, they wouldn't let me renege on my deal so I put something together and asked this guy. I didn't really want to at first, but then I got kind of excited after talking to people and so when he turned me down (nicely though) it really sucked.

Fast forward to a week after that - we're chilling in physics, and Mr. Z starts walking around talking to a couple of us, asking if we're going to Sadies with anyone. He gets to me and I'm like "Yeah I got rejected"... He pauses for a second then says, "Well ask me again later and I'll think about it again." And we laugh =)

That happened about a week ago.. today I was sitting in the hallways waiting for the tutoring room to open when Mr. Z walks by and sees me sitting there, and he goes, "I've been wanting to talk to you ever since you told me you got rejected to Sadies. That was one of the few times that I really didn't know what to say right then, and I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you by yourself so I'm glad that I caught you here." (at this point I'm thinking oh shoot here comes the emotion)

And he continues to say things like I know that must have really sucked, and high school can seriously be one of the toughest times in your life that you'll ever face, and sometimes life just sucks. That he's a fool who didn't know what he was giving up, that I will find someone someday who sees and values me for who I am, who sees how smart and attractive and awesome I am. (oh yes, that's definitely me)

There was a lot more, but I can't really remember it off the top of my head. I thought I didn't really care about this anymore, but I guess I did cause I started crying LOL. Anyways he gave me a hug (which was a little awkward considering that I'm like a foot and a half shorter than he is) and he talked to me some more, I said "Thank you Mr. Z," and then we parted ways.

It really made me think about how blessed we are at this school - where teachers take the time to know and to care about their students, where they talk to us and give advice (even unasked) on our insignificant high school problems. I wish every teacher, no, every adult, could be like Mr. Z. Mr. Z, you are truly my hero.

"It all comes back. Perhaps it is difficult to see the value in having one's self back in that kind of mood, but I do see it; I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget. We forget the loves and the betrayals alike, forget what we whispered and what we screamed, forget who we were."

-Joan Didion, "On Keeping a Notebook."

Chinese Club

Hooray for finally being an active member!

Anyways, this really cracked me up at practice today...

Pauline: ...so in this new scene, you guys will now only have FOUR counts to fall in love with each other.

Joan: That's how the Chinese do it! Gotta get busy and make all them babies... ;)

Pauline: Uh no. Only ONE baby now, don't you know?

Joan: ...well if you get a girl you get to keep trying!

hehe, love ya pauline and joan! =)

on a side note, Happy Birthday Katti!

the The's

It's only when people leave (officially) that you realize how much they matter to you..

Today was the last day of Christopher and Janelle The here at OCCCA that they would serve as pastor & wife to us. I thought oh, no big deal, this is the fourth pastor that we've had in the last three years - I'm not that close to them anyways. Let's get a new one already! #unquote

But as we were praying over them at the end of the day, I just started tearing up and I couldn't stop... I guess they have affected my life more than I thought.

I know that there have been issues between them and the church administration, and that maybe they're not as nice as they seem all the time. Yet, when it comes down to it, I sincerely believe that they are great people. They've taught me some really important lessons (though I have to admit, I don't always pay attention to the sermons), given great advice, and shown me a different way to look at myself.

It's been an honor knowing the The's. God bless them as they go out into the world!

Summer Activities '11

Hi guysssssssss~

It's been a while since I last blogged! So here's a quick update on what I've been up to (if you're interested, that is)

On a normal weekday, I head over to the school office and... chill. I get volunteer hours for sitting at a desk, sometimes working on Naviance things (i.e. inputting SAT/ACT/AP scores, updating GPAs, putting in new students, putting together stats for college application/acceptances), but sometimes just for chilling doing my own homework and reading a good book =) Lately though, I've been working as an admission ambassador - this means that I help out the little scrubbies when they come in to pick up their registration packets. I talk to them/their families, explaining what each thing in the packet is, talk a little about student life, give a short tour of the school. It's great to put smiles on people's faces! Sometimes the kids come in just... not feeling the Whitney vibe at all. You can tell that they reaaaaaaaally don't want to come and that their parents are just forcing them to, but after we talk to them a bunch they leave with a spring in their step ^^ I gotta admit though, it does suck fielding phone calls from desperate parents who really want their kids to come.. that's why I avoid picking up the phone, and always make someone else take calls if possible! hoho =)

Besides the office, I went to Las Vegas for a week (okay, not really, more like Boulder City) with my youth group. We basically did community service, and most of us worked at senior centers (myself included) The two things I reaaaaaaally didn't like, but probably helped me grow more as a person, were the fact that 1. Our group was the oldest, overall - the program was clearly geared towards younger kids (middle schoolers) and 2. We were all split up into 8 teams =/ There was this Iowa kid named Colette (not Cosette) who drove me CRAZY.. just really immature haha. Needless to say, I did not accept her Facebook friend request ^^ But it did teach me a lot about responsibility, patience, humility, and counting my blessings. For example, this one afternoon, we were playing board games/putting together puzzles with the seniors - I worked at a physical rehabilitation center for them (i.e. recovering from strokes, falling down stairs, that kind of thing) - so most of them were in wheelchairs, and I'd guess half of them couldn't talk; of those that could talk, half were confused often. ANYWAYS! Back to my story. I was putting together a puzzle with this nice old lady named Fern, and she kept picking up the pieces, looking at the front and back, then putting them back down again. Finally, I asked her, "What are you doing, Fern?" And she said, "I can't tell the front from the back.."

=(((((((

Story over.

Band camp's starting soon... wish me luck =/

I BEAT THE SYSTEM YAYUH

SECTION LEADER 2011-2012 THAS WHASUP!!

THE SAT MONSTER IS COMING TO GET ME

PLEASE HELP!!!

Oh Booy, it's Molly!

Today marks the last official day that Molly N. Booy is in attendance at Whitney High School..

I hate this.

I wish I could just reach out and stop time, rewind it, and replay this last year.

Time just flies by way too fast... I've really only started to get close to Molly this year, but already I feel like I've known her for forever, and honestly I dread going to school tomorrow without seeing her there in the mornings. What will make me happy if she's not around.. =/ Yes, I know I'm happy everyday, but that's only a temporary state. Having Molly there has instilled a joy into my heart that I'm not sure will stay without her to recharge it every morning.

Anyways I'm trying to achieve catharsis (haha, SAT word!) right now and get this SALKFJASDKJFALSJ all out of me so I don't have to suffer slowly the next couple of weeks and so I can get on with life. So I'm sorry if I'm being excessively sentimental - bear with me, will you? =)

The thing I'm most scared of right now is that even though we've promised to write each other, I can't help fearing that she will find better friends there in Ohio and slowly forget about me.. it's happened to me many times before where a tearful goodbye and promises to keep in touch inevitably disintegrate - those are friendships formed after a week or two, so I'm hoping that the bond Molly and I have now will last longer than that. I think that I've had enough friends to known a good one when I see one, and Molly is the best. Even if we don't keep in touch that regularly, I will try to do my part, and that's all I can do.

This is the first real test that I face which deals with my inability to maintain a strong friendship.. The thing that I am REALLY good at is building friendships! Hell, if I take a shine to you, I'll try to become the best friend you've got - and I'll stay that way for anywhere from half a year to a year or so.

Eventually though, these stories all end the same way. I find someone else I take a shine to, and I work on building that friendship to the extent where I stop working on my other friendships. Sure, we're still close - me and those other friends - but perhaps not as close as before. That familiarity that comes from working at that friendship will remain there, though. It's just.. I lose touch with the ins and outs of their lives, and no longer have deeper things to say to them. They're good friendships, just not so deep.

Every friendships that I've had has progressed through these stages - since Molly is leaving, I'll never know if I would have eventually found someone else to talk to and grown apart from her. I like to think that I would not have, however. In all honesty, she is the only person I have truly felt myself around, felt free to say whatever I wanted, however I wanted, without fear of her judging me or thinking worse of me in any way. I can be as openly sentimental as I want or as bitterly sarcastic, weep and rage, or just sit there with her without anything to say. She's the first person who has thanked me for sharing the Gospel with them (something that brings me incredible joy) She's just.. an amazing person who it has been my extreme honor to call one of my closest friends.

When she took me home today after visiting Cerritos Elementary, we hugged in front of my house (yes, I made her get out of the car, heh). I was hoping not to cry today 'cause she's leaving and all, but as I pulled away I just started to tear up.. so I turned away really fast and went to my garage, hoping she didn't see, hoping that she would just remember me as someone happy so she wouldn't have to leave with an image of me crying.

Then I went inside my room and cried for a couple minutes before my dad came in and asked me if I wanted to eat cantaloupe -____-

And here I am now, crying/tearing up again.

I'll be counting the days until she returns =)

goodbye my love! mo chuisle..

Eulogy for a Phone

My mother put my phone in the washer...

Now it's broken.. =(

I get to use hers now but still

I'm quite sad.

Goodbye phone! We had such nice memories together.

I'll miss you.

patience.

Sometimes it just takes patience for everything to happen. You won’t get respect in just one day, you can’t be in love with someone that you just met & you won’t be able to forgive yourself in a second. I’ve learned that helping people is good, but helping someone too much won’t let them grow. You grow by making mistakes, getting hurt, & learning from your regrets. Thoughts are there to help guide you to your decision. It’s you that have to take that first step into the pathway of happiness. It’s your doing that makes you who you are. Don’t assume; get your fact straight. That is what messes a lot of people up. There’s always the true story & reasoning behind everything. We are alldifferent, but have one thing in common; we all want happiness. It is like we’re all trying to fight for it, trying to get what we want which makes us forget the whole reason why we wanted it in the first place. But in life, the only way to acheive real happiness is to desire nothing. Nobody said life is going to be easy; life is what you make of it. Change for the better; don’t change for someone else. Change for yourself. Don’t be selfish. Don’t limit yourself from doing things just because you don’t think you can make it through. Remember — time isn’t going to wait for you, so make the best of it.

-Joycelyn Sun

a moderate automatic preference for Abled Persons compared to Disabled Persons.

a slight association of Male with Career and Female with Family compared to Female with Career and Male with Family.

a slight automatic preference for Light Skin compared to Dark Skin.

little to no automatic preference between Fat People and Thin People.

17 The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.

18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 34

Things to get me :D

I know my birthday's over, but here's a short wishlist... =)

1. Super Scribblenauts! Freaking awesome game for the DS... look it up on youtube or something. Amazing stuff, man :D Basically there's a bunch of levels with basic objectives, and you have to solve them by spawning items that you come up with. So if you type in "gigantic moth" a hugeass moth is gonna appear! You can't use trademarked/inappropriate items though, so no Justin Bieber... aw shucks.

2. Adele CD (which no one got me anyways =( )

And that's it for now folks!

Thanks to everyone who got me something =)

I think my presents add up to...

3 cards

some delicious brownies!/candy

a DS game (Okamiden, which I'm looking forward to playing)/pokemon ball (LOL)

a bucket/flower/frog piggy bank =)

Pokemon White (which I got before my birthday from my parents, so it kind of doesn't count lolol)

God is Good - All the Time

And all the time, God is good!

Another example of how God always comes through - events of January 21, 2010

So I started my day pretty happily, going to band, thinking that wow! Homecoming is tonight! Can't wait. That day in band, we were playing honor band music which required me to get out a bass clarinet as well as the contra-alto bass clarinet. Because I had done this on Wednesday, I simply leaned the contra-alto against the wall and went to sit down with the bass clarinet and began warming up. Last time, Mr. England had told me to set the contra-alto against the wall while I got my bass clarinet out so I assumed it'd be okay if I did it again.. Boy, was I wrong.

We're all warming up when suddenly I hear Mr. England yell "EMILY!" I look over, and he's standing by the contra-alto which I had leaned against the wall. My first thought - Oh F***... I couldn't really ignore him, so I walked over and prayed that nothing would happen. As soon as I got there, he starts yelling at me. It went something like this:

EMILY HOW COULD YOU BE SO GODDAMN STUPID. THIS IS A FOURTEEN THOUSAND INSTRUMENT AND YOU'RE LEANING IT AGAINST THE WALL?! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IF IT FALLS THE SLIGHTEST DENT CAN WRECK THIS INSTRUMENT.

(At this point, I'm tearing up... thinking in my head, well, I did this exact same thing on Wednesday and you didn't reprimand me for it - what makes it different now? I also didn't just just drop it there, I placed it there with the utmost care and watched it to make sure it wouldn't fall over....I really try take good care of it, coming back during snack to swab it out if I don't have time in the mornings. I come in on my own time to grease the cork, and always carry it with more than one hand if possible...Of course, I don't voice these thoughts aloud.)

I say: Sorry....

SORRY DOESN'T CUT IT. THIS IS SO DAMN DUMB THAT IT'S ALMOST WORTH KICKING YOU OUT OF WIND ENSEMBLE FOR. NOW GO AND PUT THIS SOMEWHERE SAFER RIGHT NOW. YOU IDIOT.

So of course I run off.. I'm pretty much just crying at this point. I go into the back room, sit there, think about where to put it, and just try to calm down so when I walk in at least it's not THAT noticeable. I really don't like just putting it on the floor cause it has lots of easily bendable metal things that stick out all around, so there's really no absolutely safe angle to leave it. Also, I didn't want my reed to get dirty so I figure that against the wall is okay - it presents less of a target to knock over/trample on anyways.

I may not seem like it, but I'm actually a really emotionally fragile person - I don't take criticism easily. And coming from a person who I strive my utmost to not upset or get on the bad side of, who I go the extra mile for by being his uniform manager and showing up early everyday to help set up, being reprimanded in front of the entire ensemble was really just... crushing. (haha I'm tearing up just thinking about it, it's that traumatizing.) To make matters worse, for those in the band who were oblivious to his yelling at me over the music during warm-ups, he delivers a short but scathing lecture to tell people to take care of their instruments using me as an example (how many contra-alto players in the band are there besides me? none)

I walk back in after a while, still trying to keep my tears in (this effort is largely unsuccessful). I stop several times during warm-ups to just try and control my tears, and all the while praying, God, even if England is a bastard, you still love me, and that's all that matters... Please comfort me at this time and help me to remain strong. I draw some strength from this, but still cry. Yeah I know, I'm a crybaby lolol. I manage to just about stop by the end of the period though.

The beginning of my day, periods 1-4 pretty much go by like this. I withdraw into myself and contemplate upon my actions, thinking about anything that I could have done differently to avoid this scenario and fail to arrive at a suitable explanation. I don't talk to anyone, and just sit in my seat in all my classes, unfocused on the events around me, still dwelling on what happened that morning. People ask me if I'm alright, and I just walk away, leaving them to decide for themselves - I mean seriously, what do you think? Would you be alright if you were me?

I'm thankful for the friends I have, who don't know what happened but can still tell that something is seriously wrong - they don't ask questions, but love without cause. "Emily, you look like crap... Come over here, let me give you a hug." Thank you, Borah <3>

And as much as I love some of my other friends, what I need at the time is not a run through of what I could have done differently to escape England's wrath, or justification for his anger:

"Oh, he's just been in a bad mood recently. Don't take it personally."

"Emily, it really doesn't matter.. Don't take it so hard! His anger isn't directed at you."

I've already done that myself. All I really need is love, and if you must talk about earlier events, please do it with a sympathetic point of view. It's kind of hard to not take it personally when he's only yelling at you, and calls you out specifically to do so. I know you guys mean the best, but things like that are really not that helpful.

Which brings me back to the beginning - God is good. He's given me friends that will love me unconditionally, just as He loves me. What I thought of as a day ruined beyond repair became one of the best, as an example of His healing love and grace. Little things like hugs, thoughtful pats, academic successes, an unexpected gift of Arizona Tea, wins across the board at Homecoming, and most importantly, Molly Booy crowned as Homecoming Queen - these all serve to remind me that no matter how bad things get, God is always there as my Dad up in Heaven, looking out for me and sending things my way as a sign of his neverending love.

You might say that these things were inevitable and would have happened anyways, but I say that God controls all and is solely responsible for all of these things. He's not just some distant Watchmaker (LOL AP Euro), but personally cares about each and every one of us, and takes an active hand in everyday affairs just as was demonstrated that day.

Thanks God, I love you too <3

Hi Guys,

For my birthday (and all other occasions that require gift-giving)

Please get me something LEGO =(

I read this book about LEGO the other day and I am falling in love with it all over again...

So, please get me either

A) Star Wars

B) Something complicated that looks like will last me a while (applies to Star Wars stuff too)

C) Something that can turn into different things :D

D) Creator series is AMAZING!!!!!! Holy freaking crap...

And keep in mind that I am as of now 15, but will be 16! I need something challenging =)

Now LEGO is quite expensive so.... start saving!

heh. heh. hehhhhhh.

Update

Hello blog,

I have been completely neglecting you lately... Since I don't quite want to study for Euro/Chem, I think I'll write to you!

Not much has happened. ...No, I take that back.

Quite a lot has happened, actually.

OKAY so apparently my last post was on the third of November.

Here's a quick summary of the events that stick out in my mind

1 - November 13, 2010: BAND SECOND PLACE @ LA PALMA YEEEAH! And... DRUM MAJOR FIRST PLACE OH YEAH THAT'S WHASUP. Had some good ice cream sandwiches and fried chicken as well =) Hooray for sharing!

2 - November 20, 2010: Arcadia Band Review. As you might have already surmised from my lack of cheering, it was quite a fail... Not a good way to close out the parade season, but certainly a memorable one. It was pouring buckets out there, and we were standing in the rain for a good hour or so. Everyone was soaked through and no one could see... Katti dropped her mace twice =/ (My heart broke a little bit each time I saw it happen on the video on Youtube). Still, a day to remember.

3 - November 24, 2010: DISNEYLAND?! OH YES! Had fun chillin' with Alex San Pabs & Katti, just the three of us for the day. Fantasmic is AMAZING by the way =)

4 - November 25, 2010: Thanksgiving potluck at church! And cooking beforehand with JJ and the church fambam. Quote of the day: "Oh.... the sausages are turning brown." "Yes dear, that's why they call it 'browning' the sausages." (In my defense, I was merely observing that it was happening faster than I thought it would. I knew that they were going to turn brown! Please believe me.)

5 - November 29-December 4, 2010: Whittier Christian Tournament. Won 2, Lost 2. Saw Cerritos High (& Nicole)!

6 - December 8-December 11, 2010: Fairmont Prep Tournament. Won all 4! Tournament Champions for the win =)

6 1/2 - December 8, 2010: Health IS Test (100 questions in 25 minutes, baby!) + Band Concert! I passed the Health Test, and got a semi-solo for the Band Concert (although no recognition)

7 - December 13-Now, 2010: Valley Christian Tournament. Lost our last two games to Gahr and Valley Christian, but made a couple of temporary friends in the process =) Alex got a technical today, and the coach was about to get one... Katti got a slight concussion too + a bruised/swollen thigh from falling one too many times =/

8 - Retreat is coming up! This Friday-Sunday. Looking forward to it. But, I hope I do well on Friday and get into Wind Ensemble... If I don't, I'll be quite sad and that will ruin my mood for a while haha. But, I'll get over it. I think I have a good chance this year, so let's hope all goes well! Pray, please =)