thoughts.

I've been wondering about some stuff.
like. who do I really serve in this world?
I tell myself it's God, that my purpose in this world is only for him.
but I don't really show it in my life do I.
I allow my own feelings of contempt, of pride, of anger to show much too easily.
I don't trust God enough, and I don't really embody who Christ really is in my life
instead, I show people who he isn't by just being myself.
not really following his example.
I have to change that, seriously. it's gone too far
when I start ranting about people saying that I don't like who they are or whatever.
but it's like am I causing them to behave like that? am I just being too prejudiced, not giving these people the chance to be nice? because seriously like everyone else says that this person is so nice.
but I don't really see that trait in them.
that's what I have to ask myself. so as of now
I'm gonna work harder as someone living truly only for God.
not for other people.

that's another thing I've been wondering about
about how I act differently in front of different people.
like...people I'm trying really hard to gain the respect of
you know how I'm always like crazy most of the time? saying random things or whatever
in front of people that I want to win the respect of
I quiet down. become more of a...sophisticated person, you could say?
in front of them I'm always this perpetually bemused person.
one who is quiet, hard-working, intelligent - the perfect student.
I become this whole 'nother person just to win people's respect.
of course, there's not that many of people like that so
you don't really see me like that.
in front of people that I feel I need to win respect
I shut up. slow my mind down, think before I speak.
in other words - become a better person, I guess
but it's just not me. as in the person I really am inside
is this bad? to become someone "better" and to abandon who I really am
just to impress people, to make them respect me in turn and become better friends with them.
that's how I act in front of people like stephanie pascua or perhaps my peers
as in people in my grade.
that's how I act within the classroom to impress teachers. make them think,
"oh that emily? yeah she's so good."
of course, sometimes I'm just mean to draw out laughs from my classmates
become a clown for attention.
but I've become that person, that quiet girl within the classroom so many times
it makes me wonder who am I, really?
is it bad to have allowed myself to be shaped by so many people
that I don't really know who I am inside. or is that just part of life
to allow the people you care about, the ones you call "friend"
to conform you into the person people think of when they hear the name "________"

and then there's something else I've been thinking about, but can't really talk about here because of..
various reasons.
im/email me if you want to know what
because I need to vent XD
but I can't here.