thoughts.

you know, sometimes I wonder. what would I be like? if I hadn't been pushed into the youth group so early, if there were other people my age to grow up with at church. would that have changed how I've grown up? changed me from who I am today into what I see in others in my grade who've grown up with their own age group - someone who is content with who they are surrounded with. I don't know. I've been thinking about that lately. if there had been more people my age instead of just myself as I was growing up, then I wouldn't have hung out with older people and I guess..matured faster than I was supposed to. seeing as I've hung out with people at least a year or two older than me ever since I was like 5-6ish, I've learned how to think the way they do. that's why school was always a drag for me back in elementary school I guess, cause everyone around me was so..I don't know. they were all really like childish I guess. it infuriated me, and it still does. so do you think I would've been different? would I have actually made scrub friends instead of hanging out with eighth graders all the time? I mean, don't get me wrong - I absolutely love you guys. but sometimes I look back I think of how my life would be now had I learned to think as a person my age. would I still be immature? still thinking of petty things? still someone easily upset by mere words?

and then I think about how I've grown apart so fast from some of my friends. say, jocelyn. I used to be tight with her man. that was the year that I drifted apart from nicole (we're tight now, though). but now..I barely talk to her anymore. is it just because I don't see her anymore? I feel like she's...been influenced badly without me there. is that presuming too much? or is it just the truth. I look at her myspace profile (of which I actually used to be at the top of) and now I'm like..8th. isabel's first :P gosh, isabel. what are you doing stealing my little sis? I just hope that she'll make it to whitney, I guess. where I can keep an eye on her and change her back to the jocelyn she used to be before she got different without my express permission (just kidding x] ). I also hope, I guess that we'll become close again like me and nicole did - that was a miracle in itself. I'm not even joking. and I'm grateful for it. but moving on. there's other people who I've drifted away from. you guys know who you are. and..I'm sorry. will you forgive me? I have no reason, no explanation for why we've drifted apart. it's probably all my fault though, and if I've caused you any pain I really do apologize. maybe we'll grow together again someday, through random struck up conversations on AIM or something. you never know. I just ask one thing of you: please don't raise this subject with me. yeah, I'm a coward. but I never know what to say. it's like..really really really awkward beyond reason so yeah.

I think I have something else on my mind. but I can't think of it now.
when I do, look out for post "thoughts pt. II" (: