failures.

man
today was pretty bad
two hour detention for band
basketball was okay.
except stephanie kept on going BALL BALL.
so I passed it to her and she made most of em so whatever.
ic was bleh. got my shirt, voted on some stuff.
jensen I failed my linear graphing quiz.
so today was just....yeah.

but. iono.
it's those seemingly innocent conversations
that turn into something deep, something that makes you
open up your heart and cry and say what you've been feeling.
to another person. and they still don't understand.
that person in whom I place my trust and love
who's trying to get me to open up more in cg.
who deserves for me to open up. somehow there's something
blocking me from doing so
something that cries out, "
NO. I DON'T WANT TO. I DON'T WANT TO SHARE."
why do they want to know about my life, know about how I feel
when they've already wronged me in the past, hurt me so deep that
I don't want to share anymore.
I don't want them to know about my life. maybe they don't even know
that they've hurt me so deeply, made such a great impact
on the way I act towards them now.

but it does.

and it's that reason that stops me from sharing.
stops me from revealing past hurts, stops me from having anything beyond a
"SOLID AS A ROCK." conversation with any of these people.
yes, I love them. but. how am I to explain
that indescribable feeling inside of me. I've already made up my mind
that I wasn't going to share in cg group after the last time I've been hurt.
sharing? I do that at school. with the people that enjoy being around me,
enjoy me for who I am - annoying or not.
and....I don't even really know what I expect from church people.
I guess I just expect them to talk to me and take joy
in chilling with me. the same as ellie, jessica, jenny, shivvy, izzy, and so many other people do.
THEY are people I am more than proud to call friends.
they're people with an age difference between me and them that still
choose to breach it and discover me.
they're people that've patched the hurts church people have inflicted.
people that at least try to be there for me all the time,
always open to my rants and worries and complaints.
thank you for being there for me.
and yet, like I told _______. you're not going to get me to talk
until you understand how I feel. about life in general.
and I know you're not going to read this
unless I tell you about it. to give you a chance to get inside of my head.
but I'll tell you anyways because I think you deserve it
maybe, just maybe. maybe now you will understand.